


Let's Finally Talk About It

by mcschnuggles



Series: The Regression Zone [12]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, CGRE - Caregiver/Age Regressor, Emotional Baggage, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Neglect, Regressing!Taako, Regressuary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:42:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22532674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcschnuggles/pseuds/mcschnuggles
Summary: Taako doesn't like bringing up his past, but sometimes it can't be avoided.
Series: The Regression Zone [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1551574
Comments: 41
Kudos: 132
Collections: Regressuary, Regressuary 2020





	1. Chapter 1

Merle wishes he could say something profound as to why he was up at three in the morning, like his keen dad sense is just that good at knowing when his kids need him, but it’s almost entirely luck. In reality, he’d just been bingeing The Fantasy Office and lost track of the time.

So when he hears the pitter patter of little feet in the living room, he can only think that he was just in the right place at the right time.

The sounds of shuffling drift in from the kitchen. Shuffling and sniffling. And with a regressor whose sleep schedule is a coin toss between nightmares and night terrors, that’s never a good sign.

Merle slides off the bed and pads into the kitchen.

Taako is standing in front of the open fridge, anxiously sucking on his pinkie as he surveys his food options. He looks so much younger when he’s like this, in his rumpled PJs with his hair hanging messily in his eyes.

“Hey, kiddo.” Merle says.

Taako turns to him, staring like a teary-eyed deer in the headlights. His other hand is tight around the fridge door handle, and only gets tighter as he struggles to think of a response.

“It’s kind of late to be up and about.”

“I was hungry?” Taako says, sounding so unsure of his own lie that he phrases it like a question.

“Well, get something good so we can share. I could use the company tonight.”

He heads back to his room, pretending not to notice the look Taako gives him, the one that proves just how hard the gears are turning. He may not admit that he needs comfort, but if it’s for _Emmy_ , well, that’s a different story.

He’s such a sweet kid, no matter how much he likes to pretend he’s a demon.

Taako joins him a few moments later with a bag of cookies. Merle rolls his eyes. He should’ve known better than to leave little Taako in charge of getting food. Still, he’ll take it. It’s not like he was really hungry in the first place.

“So how about a story before bed?” Merle suggests. He props himself up against the pillows, so Taako is nestled comfortably against his shoulder. “I’ve got one cooking up that you are going to _love_.”

Taako doesn’t perk up like Merle expected him to. In fact, he almost looks nervous. “Emmy, can I tell the story tonight?”

Merle blinks. “Uh, sure thing, bud.” He’s been sitting on this story for about a week, but he supposes he can wait a few more days. Taako would probably appreciate it when he’s in higher spirits anyway. It’s got a dragon and everything.

“Okay, but you have to promise not to cry, because it’s just a story.”

Oh, that’s not a good sign. Still, he swallows back his fear and tries his best to look calm. “I promise.”

Taako stares at him for a moment, and while it’s clear he may not completely believe Merle, he still continues on. “Good. This one is called ‘The Scariest Day.’”

Merle gets the sense his promise is definitely going to be broken.

“Once upon a time, there was a very pretty elf who was also a prince. He was very handsome and very funny and very smart, and he liked to travel with his royal babysitter Sazed.”

It would be easier if Merle hadn’t heard that name before. But he _had_. Not often, and until now, he hadn’t even realized the significance of that name. He’d only heard it a handful of times, when Taako was half-stuck in one of his night terrors usually. At the time, it had sounded like gibberish.

“Sazed wasn’t mean, ’cept when he was mad, but that didn’t happen too much. Mostly the prince just had to keep his head down and make his own fun. Sazed was really bossy, but the prince liked him anyway, because he was the only person in the whole country that wanted to take care of him. It was hard for him, though, ’cuz the prince was a brat, so the prince was very lucky to have him, even if Sazed didn’t like to do much with him. Mostly Sazed just told him what to do. ‘Bedtime, prince.’ ‘Naptime, prince.’ ‘Color time.’ ‘Quiet time.’ Always quiet time.”

Taako’s eyes moved to a blank space on the wall, his gaze and voice getting further away.

“Sazed agreed to take care of the prince years ago, some time after they started their journey together. He was never fully prepared, not like he thought he’d be, but the being tired, the never wanting to play, that was new.”

Merle silently offers his hand, slipping it into Taako’s to help ground him. Taako barely notices. The only acknowledgement he offers is the rhythmic strokes of his thumb to the back of Merle’s hand, like he’s timing out a song and smoothing a crease at the same time.

“One day the prince wandered off where he wasn’t supposed to and ran into some monsters. He was feeling bored and teeny, so Sazed told him to play off in the woods. They were big and scary, huge bug monsters the prince had never seen before. Of course, the monsters weren’t the problem. Not only was the prince very cute, very funny, and very smart, but he was also very good at fighting. The problem was once they were gone, the prince felt even more bored and even more teeny.

“The prince wanted his sippy, which Sazed kept with all his other little things in a locked box, so he popped his thumb in his mouth and went to go find the royal babysitter. What the prince didn’t know was that Sazed was already trying to gather a crowd. He wanted to be famous on his own, without being connected to the prince, and wanted to impress everyone with how well he could cook. Needless to say, it wasn’t very good for either of their reputations when almost everyone in town saw the grown-up prince acting not-so-grown-up.

“Usually when he was mad, Sazed would take the prince’s arm really hard and pull him away, ’cuz people seeing the prince acting like that reflected badly on their entire kingdom, but today was really, really bad, and Sazed was really, really angry. He grabbed the prince by the back of his collar and took him away.”

Taako takes a long pause. His breathing has gone very shallow, so when he pauses, he pulls in a long, strained breath before he can continue.

“It was no use, though. The damage was done. They’d have to leave immediately. Find a new town to stop and pray that word of the prince’s behavior didn’t spread. With any luck, this town would forget about the peculiar prince that acted like a baby, but that meant they couldn’t ever come back and remind them. This little town would always be marked with a big red X on every map they owned.”

Merle takes to stroking Taako’s hair just to give his other hand something to do. He knows he wasn’t always the best dad, but hearing stuff like this makes him pissed. Who willingly takes on a kiddo when they don’t want to? He wouldn’t pretend to understand fame, but if he had a kiddo with a reputation to look out for, he wouldn’t be letting the kid wander around in the first place!

Taako melts into the touch. If he wasn’t so troubled, if he didn’t look so completely unable to sleep, he might have dozed off under that soothing touch. He continues his story. “Sazed didn’t normally get this mad, but today he was furious. He grabbed the prince by his neck and threw him against the wall. When Sazed got mad, his words always ran together, like his brain was moving too fast for his mouth, so it was hard for the prince to understand what he was saying. He could hear words like ‘wasted time,’ ‘wasted money,’ and ‘embarrassment,’ and that was enough to get the gist.

“The prince tried to protest, but Sazed only tightened his grip and slammed the back of his head against the wall. It hurt so bad the prince saw stars. Then he said something the prince would never forget. ‘You’re lucky I tolerate you when you’re like this. No one else would. If it weren’t for me, you would’ve ruined everything.’”

“That’s awful!” Merle blurts. It’s the first thing that comes to mind, no matter how inane, and it does what he needs it to. As Taako speaks, Merle watches him get further and further into his own head, the film of tears covering his eyes, but Merle’s interjection grounded him enough to keep him from falling completely into the past.

“Shh! No interruptions, Emmy!” Taako pouts. He gives Merle a reproachful look. “Telling a story…”

“Sorry, munchkin.” Merle blinks twice, hoping the tears in his eyes aren’t as visible as they feel. “Keep going with your story.”

Taako takes in another shallow breath. Despite Merle’s best efforts, he still goes back into his head with ease. “The prince didn’t get up for hours. He was so scared that Sazed would come back that he couldn’t even bring himself to get off the floor. Even when he heard Sazed go to the front, mount the horses, and start moving them to their next location! He might have stayed there all night, except his butt was numb from sitting there all afternoon, so he went to bed.

“The next morning, Sazed felt very bad, so he brought the prince breakfast in bed, and he even stopped the horses at a really pretty lake so they could play later! That was how he said sorry, because he wasn’t very good at sorry. That was okay, though. The prince understood Sazed didn’t mean it.

“Sazed always got nicer when he was guilty. It didn’t happen often, but it happened. When the prince was sick, it would happen, but usually, it was after he hurt the prince by accident.”

“How many times did he hurt the prince?” The biggest battle comes from keeping his voice soft and hiding the fact that he’s boiling over with anger.

“Only that time. That’s why it’s the scariest.”

“But you said he grabbed the prince’s arm sometimes?”

Taako shrugs. Is he really still defending this guy? “Okay, that hurt too. But not as bad. Arm grabbing only hurt his arm, and not much. But this hurt his head and his neck and his heart. That’s why it made him sad.”

The stretching silence made it clear that Taako would do nothing to elaborate on his story. Apparently just talking about it was catharsis enough to help him calm down. He looks like he’s due back asleep any minute now.

Merle doesn’t suppose it’ll hurt to press him just a little. “What happened to Sazed?”

“He left.” Taako says simply.

“He left?”

Taako nods. “He got tired of being a babysitter and quit.”

“Maybe that’s for the best. It doesn’t sound like he was very good at his job. That was very mean of him, treating the prince like that.”

“Mm.” Taako nods, but he doesn’t quite sound like he believes that.

Merle swipes a stray lock of hair from Taako’s eyes. “Got any more stories in there? Anything about what happened to the prince?”

Taako gives a little yawn, sinking back into the pillows. “No more.”

“There’s no more?”

“Story machine broke.”

Merle chuckles and draws the covers up around Taako’s neck. “Well, thank you for sharing the story with me.”

“It wasn’t too sad?”

“It was a little sad, but nothing Em can’t handle. I’m just honored you wanted to tell it to me in the first place. I know it takes a lot to share a sad story like that.”

It’s a relief to finally see the corners of Taako’s mouth turn up in the tiniest ghost of a smile.

“You can’t tell Maggie, though. Sad stories make him cry.”

“I won’t. But you might want to tell him yourself one of these days. Even if it makes him cry. He’d probably still like to know.”

Taako sighs. “I know. But not tonight.”

Merle chuckles. “Definitely not tonight.”

“I can stay here?”

“Well, I’d hope so. Because I’m certainly not carrying you back to your room.” He gives Taako a peck on the forehead. “Get some sleep, kiddo.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Avi and Johann's headspace ages are about 16 and 12 respectively

“Taako! That isn’t funny!” Johann sighs.

Taako giggles. Johann always says that when Taako’s up to no good. Even when he’s tiny too! It’s like he doesn’t even know how to have fun some days. That’s why Taako’s made it his personal goal to see how many times he can make Johann say something isn’t funny in one day. So that he can have enough fun for the both of them.

“Then why am I laughing?”

“Because you’re a brat.”

Taako shrugs, letting a single sheet of music fall to the floor. The rest, which together make up a ten-minute violin composition Johann has spent the last month working on, floats lazily on the ceiling.

Johann catches the single piece of paper and tucks it carefully back into his folder. Taako plans to use Levitate on it again when his back is turned.

Taako puts a hand to his chest, trying his best to look affronted. “How could you say that? I’m terminally ill!”

Johann lifts a single eyebrow. “Really?”

Taako nods. “I have No-Attention-itis. There’s no known cure. I’ll perish in a matter of hours and yet you still choose to mock me.” He puts a hand to his forehead and swoons, carefully draping himself onto the floor.

“Avi just went down to get a snack from the vending machine. He should be back in, like, a minute. And Lu is right over there.” He points to the picnic blanket, where Lucretia is making her way through a stack of paperwork and pointedly trying not to smile at Taako’s shenanigans. She doesn’t like to work in her office while they’re small.

“Lulu’s working!”

“So am I.”

Taako snickers. “Not anymore.” He lets another sheet fall just to prove his point.

Johann sighs. “Fine. I’ll play with you.”

Taako pops up from his spot on the floor. “I’m cured! It’s a Candlenights miracle!” He then grabs Johann’s arm before he has the chance to change his mind. “Let’s play dress-up!”

“Taako, you’re so lucky I deal with you.” Johann jokes. “I don’t think anyone else could tolerate you.”

Taako’s response is so automatic, his body moves without him thinking about it.

_SMACK!_

It’s not until the stinging in his hand becomes prevalent that he realizes he’s slapped Johann as hard as his wimpy noodle arms could manage.

“What the hell?” Johann rubs his cheek. He isn’t hurt as much as he is stunned. The smack barely did anything to knock him off-balance.

“Taako!” Lulu rises from her spot. He’s not sure how much of that she saw, but he doesn’t want to stick around long enough to find out. He bolts, and since Johann is right behind him and Avi’s due to come back any minute now, his only choice is to sprint for Lucretia’s office.

He’s tall, but not very muscly, so he’s able to fold himself up and hide in places people wouldn’t normally look. Today he chooses to scrunch himself behind one of the cabinets in Lucretia’s office. It’s a tight fit, but he’s able to slot himself between that and the wall easily.

He can hear Lulu and Avi and Johann calling for him, but he doesn’t dare think of what might happen if they find him. How long does he wait before trying to make his escape? He wouldn’t be able to get to the exit if he used Blink now. And even if he could, what’s to stop Lulu from calling Merle and telling him? It’s a small room; he only has so much time before they find him.

Something touches his arm, and it takes everything in him not to scream.

Davenport smiles sadly at him and reaches over, ignoring the way Taako flinches to brush away his tears with the pad of his thumb.

“I—” Davenport shushes him, tapping his finger gently over Taako’s lips.

Someone tears through the room, their footsteps fading back into the adjacent room, and the silence blankets around them.

“Thank you.”

Davenport nods.

“Why did I do that?” Taako whispers, mainly to himself. “I didn’t even think. I…” He scrunches his eyes shut, but tears still manage to leak onto his cheeks.

“Davenport?” Davenport kneels in front of him, his face creased with worry as he wipes Taako’s ruddy face with his sleeve.

“It’s okay.” Taako says. He wishes his voice didn’t sound so shaky, but he’s already well-resigned to a lengthy time-out. “You can call them.”

With a nod, Davenport cups his hands around his mouth and calls, “Davenport!”

Avi gets there first, and the first thing he does is scoop Taako into a hug. “I gotcha, little guy.”

Well, that wasn’t quite the expected response. “Not mad?” Taako blurts out.

“Let’s go with ‘concerned.’”

“Thank you, Davenport.” Lucretia kneels to pull Davenport into a hug, one that he gladly returns. She pokes over Avi’s shoulder, but she keeps her distance. “Let’s have a sit, shall we? Since I already have the blanket set out.” She sweeps out of her office, leaving Taako stunned.

“But I—but—”

Avi shushes him and follows after Lucretia. Davenport isn’t far behind. “It’s okay, bud.” He gives Taako’s hand a reassuring squeeze. “Wanna sit next to Mama Lu?”

Lucretia opens her arms, but Taako couldn’t feel less safe. Why is everyone ignoring the fact that he just slapped the _shit_ out of Johann?

Taako sits on the opposite side of the picnic blanket, and Johann and Avi join them to fill up the remaining two corners.

Only after everyone is seated does Lucretia start talking. “Let’s play the Honesty Game.”

Oh Taako already hates the sound of this.

“We go in a circle and take turns asking each other questions, and whoever you ask has to answer the other person honestly. Sound fun?”

Taako wants to protest, but he gets the sinking feeling he’ll be outnumbered. Besides, it’s better than being dragged by the arm to time-out.

“I’ll go first.” Lucretia turns to Avi. “Avi, did you take my cream cheese bagel right out of the microwave yesterday?”

Avi blanches. “Uh…” He gives a telltale glance at Taako, like he’s trying to decide is lying is worth it.

Lucretia raises an eyebrow. “You really aren’t considering lying, are you, Avi? What kind of precedence would that set for the younger boys?”

Despite himself, Taako giggles, but only from behind his hands.

Avi relents. “Yeah. That was me. But in my defense, it didn’t have your name on it.”

“Well, I didn’t think I needed to label it while it was in the microwave being cooked to be eaten. But I will keep that in consideration next time.” Her face splits into a smug grin. “Your turn.”

Looking more than a little put out, Avi blows a strand of hair from his face. “Fine.” He glances around the circle, and Taako flinches when Avi’s eyes fall on him. “Taako.”

His heart pounds in his chest as he waits for the other shoe to drop. He’s not stupid; he knows this whole game is just an excuse to ask him about Sazed. They’ve tried being direct—well, Avi did. It’s not his fault Taako used Blink to escape and hid in his room for the next day and a half. He’s pretty sure he doesn’t breathe once until Avi speaks again.

“Who do you like better? Me or Mama Lu?”

The ball in his chest unwinds, just a little bit. Just enough to bring the smile back to Taako’s face.

“Oh, real mature, Avi.” Lucretia huffs. “All because I called you out on eating my bagel?”

“Hey, let him answer!”

“’Vi.” Okay, maybe Taako isn’t being entirely honest, but it’s not like anyone’s cast Zone of Truth! Besides, it’s way funnier this way. Telling them how much he loves them both, that he could never pick between them, would only serve to turn the mood unbearably sappy.

Lucretia rolls her eyes. “Only because you let him get away with more.”

Avi shrugs. “I’ll take it!” He reaches out to brush a stray lock of hair from Taako’s eye. “Your turn, bud.”

Taako taps his foot, trying not to wiggle with anticipation. What should he ask first? _Who_ should he ask first? This is a rare opportunity, so he has to ask someone who wouldn’t normally be forthcoming. Avi tells him everything, and Johann doesn’t seem interesting enough to have anything really juicy, so that leaves him with one option.

“Lulu,” he decides.

Lucretia smiles, but Taako can sense the undercurrent of fear running through her. What’s she afraid of him asking?

“Do you really talk to Emmy as much as you say or is that just to make me behave?”

Her eyes widen. “Well…we do stay in…semi-regular contact. And I won’t hesitate to inform him if you’ve earned a time-out with me.”

Avi snickers. “Answer the question.”

“Perhaps it may be—” With a sigh, she gives up the ghost. “Fine, I don’t tell him shit. I didn’t even tell him about that one time you tried to do your Flip Wizard Special and almost shattered the Voidfish’s tank with a soccer ball.”

Even Johann cracks a grin at that one. “For shame, Mama Lu,” he teases.

“It’s not like I let him get away with it! He was in time-out for ten minutes, and we had a _very_ long discussion about safety and being aware of our surroundings!”

Taako snickers. She probably hasn’t realized, but Lulu just gave him a very powerful weapon to lobby between her and Merle, and that was saying the other person let him do what he wanted. He turns to Johann. “Your turn!”

“You can skip over me. This isn’t really my thing.”

“Come on, Johann!” Avi begs. He gives a telling glance in Taako’s direction, silently saying everyone has to participate for their honesty ploy to work.

Johann rolls his eyes. “Fine. Avi, what’s your favorite color?”

“Yellow, the color of hope. Mainly hope that you’ll have a better question the next time your turn comes around.”

Johann just rolls his eyes again, but even he can’t resist a tiny smile when Lucretia and Taako are laughing.

It’s Lulu’s turn next. “Johann, why do you never come by and see me during the week?”

Johann shrugs. “I don’t wanna bother you or anything. Seems a little silly to just drop by when you have work to do.”

“Well, then, the joke’s on you.” She leans in, as if sharing a secret with the three of them. “Because I am _always_ willing to take a distraction if it’s from the three of you.”

“And Maggie?” Taako pipes up.

She nods in confirmation. “And Maggie too.”

And round and round they go. Avi asks Johann if he really liked his birthday present (he did), and Taako asks Avi if he really watched Sizzle It Up like he said he did (forcing Avi to answer, with a slight blush, that he watched one or two episodes, but not every episode like he claimed).

When it’s Johann’s turn again, there’s a noticeable shift in the air. He shares a look with Lulu, waiting for some unspoken confirmation before proceeding.

“Taako, why’d you get so mad when I said…what I said?”

Taako ducks his head, ignoring the burn of his cheeks. He hates that he’d known what they were scheming all along and still fell for it once they’d softened him up with jokes and distractions. Whatever. He supposed there was no running away now. “’Cuz that’s what Sazed used to say to me.”

Over his head, Lucretia and Avi share equally concerned glances. They both know enough about his show to recognize the name.

“Who—”

“No follow up questions, Johann.” Avi says, softly but firmly. “You have to wait your turn.”

He knows the words are supposed to be a comfort to him, but Taako doesn’t feel any less anxious. After all, there are three of them and only one of him, and Lulu’s turn is next.

“Taako, dear…” Lucretia begins.

Taako never knew those words could fill him with such dread.

“Would you like to meet a special friend?”

He dares a glance up to see she means it. Sure, her face is drawn with worry, and the cheery atmosphere from only a minute ago is completely gone, but she’s trying to comfort him.

Taako shrugs, trying to feign nonchalance around two much bigger kids. In reality, he’s dying for a hug, and he’d do anything to avoid having to ask for one right now.

Lucretia turns to Davenport, who has been hanging back but watching with rapt attention. Taako’s noticed him pressing a little closer every time Taako shifts uncomfortably. “Davenport? If you would?”

With a nod and a smile, Davenport disappears into her personal chambers and returns a few moments later with a stuffed hedgehog wrapped in a baby blue blanket.

Lucretia gingerly takes it, like it’s a precious fragile vase and not a stuffed animal. “Thank you, Davenport.”

Avi eyes her curiously. “Why do you have this? And yes, I’m using my turn on this.”

“It…” Lucretia trails off, and she bites her lip, picking her words like they’re sequestered between a thousand explosive tripwires. “It belonged to someone who was once very important to me. That someone gave it to me, before they…left, so it’s very important.” Lucretia presses her thumbs into its tummy, working out the more egregious lumps. “She used to say it had magical cheer-up powers, so I’m hoping that still holds true.”

Taako grimaces. He doesn’t like the idea of taking a dead kid’s stuffie. But he also left Chester in his room, and asking for him means getting either Magnus or Merle. He doesn’t like those odds. He doesn’t want Magnus to know about this yet. So he extends his arms, making the cutest grabby hands he can muster until Lucretia hands over the toy.

He takes the hedgehog and holds it close to his chest, for a wave of déjà vu to hit him with such a force that he can’t focus. It’s filled with rice, so it’s a little heavier, but it molds into the curve of his collarbone just as easy. The longer he holds onto it, the less anxious he feels. For some reason, it feels like home, like family.

Maybe it really is magic.

He belatedly realizes that it’s his turn to ask a question. When he looks up, Lulu is watching him sadly. She’s not crying yet, but he supposes it’s only a matter of time. “Is the reason I make you cry so much because of this other kid?”

Just as expected, Lucretia’s face falls, but she answers immediately. “It is. It absolutely is. And I’m sorry if I ever made you feel unloved because of that.”

“It’s okay.” He looks to Johann. “Can ask more questions if you want.”

Johann glances to Avi, waiting for a nod of confirmation before doing so. “Why did you stay with him?”

“’Cuz no one else would have me.” Taako answers, like it’s an absolute fact. “’m a brat and I don’t like to listen, and he was willing to travel with me for my show _and_ take care of me when I got small. That’s a lot.”

“Not enough for you to feel content.” Lucretia points out. “You were angry. You wouldn’t have been angry if you didn’t think in some way you’d been wronged.”

Taako shrinks back, pointedly ignoring the big tear that rolls down the bridge of his nose. “I guess so…”

“Well, I know so. It’s my turn.” She straightens her shoulders, trying to pretend like she isn’t a few seconds away from crying herself. “Do you want to stop? It’s okay if you don’t want to play anymore.”

“I’m okay.” He’d rather do anything than play this awful game anymore, but now that he has the option, he’s taking back control in any way he can. Even with how twisted and weird and yucky his head feels, he wants to at least pretend he’s in charge. And just maybe, deep, deep down, he really does want to talk about it.

Lulu and Avi share another look, which Taako realizes is what they do before awkwardly shifting gears. He won’t pretend to understand their weird grown-up communication. Avi isn’t a grown-up right now, but he’s close enough that he can do the look thing.

“Do you wanna know what I think?” Avi asks.

Taako glares. “No.” Because, no, he isn’t interested in a string of fluffy statements said only to make the baby stop crying. He doesn’t want the hollow comfort.

Avi starts at that, but he’s acclimated enough to the Taako sass to know he can’t let that stop him. “Well, I think Sazed was just bad at his job.”

“It’s my turn.” Taako doesn’t want to hear this. If he didn’t think he was too big for covering his ears to block this out, he would, but right now his only option is stopping Avi before he can start.

“I think he didn’t deserve to even know you. Because you’re too sweet for—” He finally stops when Taako’s hand clamps around his wrist. It’s not a hard grip—Taako would rather not be two for two when it comes to hurting people he loves today—but it’s firm enough to get his attention.

“ _My turn_.” Taako says. He glares up at Avi, eyes blazing. “Am I not a handful? Don’t I get on your nerves sometimes? Don’t you wish I was a better kid like Johann or Maggie? Don’t you deflate a little when you see it’s me and not them?”

His head whips in Lucretia’s direction for that last question, and he almost regrets it based on how crushed she looks. “Taako, you know that’s not true. We—”

“You aren’t allowed to lie in this game, Lulu!” He only realizes he’s yelling after his throat strains in protest, after the knot in his stomach only gets worse and his chest is heaving from the effort of yelling. Has his heart always been this much faster than his brain?

With the words out in the open, he only feels worse. There’s a headache brewing near his temples, and he’s due to break down crying any second now. He can feel it rumbling in his chest, like a volcano about to erupt.

Johann stays quiet for a long while, no doubt trying to phrase whatever he wants to say as a question. “Do…” He trails off, rethinks his wording, and starts again. “Do you really think we’d include you if we didn’t want you around?”

“Maggie and Em didn’t have a choice. This got dumped on them by mistake. Then Lulu didn’t have a choice because Maggie was there and he’s cute and good and I was right there next to him. And I don’t _know_ why you or Avi stick around, okay?”

Taako wraps his arms around himself, trying to stimulate a feeling of warmth. When did the room get so cold? He braces himself for Lucretia’s turn.

But instead of pushing at him, Lucretia spares a glance at Avi. “What’s going through your head right now?” Her voice is so calm, so even, that it almost stops Taako from getting any more worked up. Almost.

Avi manages a weak chuckle, but it’s clear from the slant of his shoulders that he’s a ball of tension about to explode. “It’s probably not appropriate to say.”

Taako pulls in a deep breath, making sure he has enough air in his lungs to yell “ _DICK_ ” as loud as possible. When everyone turns to stare at him, he shrugs. “Can’t be more inappropriate than that.”

Avi’s grinning, and that in turn takes some of the weight off Taako’s chest. It’s always hard to be upset when Avi’s smiling at him. Avi’s just magic like that. “I mean, how hard would it be to hunt this guy down and ram him through with a spear?”

Lucretia offers a smile that doesn’t reach her eyes and pats his shoulder. It’s more to calm him down than anything. “Not very difficult, I’m sure, but it hardly sounds like a productive use of one’s time.”

“My turn.” Taako straightens up. Somewhere during his outburst, Davenport had joined them on the blanket, taking the space right beside Taako. His hand feels oddly familiar slotted into Taako’s, but he can’t for the life of him imagine why. Still, he soaks up the small comfort like a sponge. “I was lucky to have him, wasn’t I? It didn’t matter that he was bossy. No one else would’ve taken me. Right?”

He waits, but no one answers. His eyes flit between the three of them. Avi isn’t looking at him. Lulu can’t look away, staring him down with those wide, heartbroken eyes. Do they realize this isn’t a rhetorical question, that he thought he knew the answer but is beginning to severely doubt himself?

“Right?”

“Taako…” Johann says. “I think you were lucky to _get away_.”

He got away? It didn’t feel like he got away. It felt like he got left behind. Even knowing what Sazed did to all those people, he couldn’t help but feel like it was his fault. After all, maybe if he’d just been a little nicer, maybe if he’d given Sazed what he wanted, maybe he wouldn’t have had to spend so many years all alone.

Lulu’s hands slipping over his jolts him from his thoughts. She cups his hand gently, like she’s protecting a baby bird from the elements. “It is not wrong to want your emotional needs met.”

“But, ’m _needy_.”

“As children are. And you shouldn’t have to pretend that isn’t so to appeal to a caregiver. That’s not how it should be.”

The words come rushing out of his mouth before he can stop them. “I don’t wanna be alone again.” It hits him about fifteen minutes too late that a good way to drive people away is to hit them, so sheepishly, he turns to Johann. “’m sorry I bitch-slapped you into next week.”

Johann cracks a tiny smile. He always finds regressed Taako swearing so funny. “It’s okay. Just please don’t do it again.”

“I won’t.”

“And I won’t make anymore mean jokes.”

“I think we will all work to avoid taking you back to that place, Taako.” Lulu adds. “Is there anything else you’d like to tell us about?”

Taako shakes his head. He’s had his bravery for the day.

Thank God Lulu understands this and doesn’t push the subject. “Then we’ll avoid unkind language. Do Magnus and Merle know?”

“Yeah.” Tangentially. Technically. Enough for him to think he’ll be okay. Then again, he never thought he’d hear something like that from Johann, either. Still, Lulu never talks with Merle about Taako. No reason for her to start now.

No, this is something he has to bring up on his own.

And soon.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: for emotional neglect and some referenced violence

Magnus doesn’t know what to make of the note he finds by his bedstand.

_Maggie,_

_Please come to my room at noon today. It’s important._

_-Koko_

If he’s being honest, he’s terrified, because he knows it has to be important if Taako left a note. And with the way Merle’s been watching Taako, a little more concerned, a little more sad, Magnus is very nervous as to what that is.

Still, he lets himself into Taako’s room at approximately noon, trying to look like he wasn’t just pacing his room and anxiously counting down the seconds.

“Hey.”

Taako doesn’t look up from the floor. He’s nervously twisting the end of his braid in his fingers, the tip of his shoe digging rhythmically into the carpet. “Hi.”

Magnus blurts out the first thought that comes to mind. “You’re not very small.”

Taako shrugs. “Not very big either.”

He’s probably on the cusp of headspace, maybe fourteen at the youngest, and very visibly nervous. Magnus proceeds with caution, knowing from personal experience that sometimes teenage Taako doesn’t like to be touched.

“I got your note.” Magnus says.

“Good.” Taako drops the end of his braid, letting it fall flat against his shoulder. “I wanted to talk with you about something. Something real important.”

“Okay.”

“There’s a lot I haven’t told you about my past.”

“That’s okay.” He won’t pretend he’s not curious, but if it’s going to put Taako this on edge to talk about it, he’s rather everything remain a mystery.

“It’s not.” Taako stands up, half-crossing the room. The space between him and Magnus feels just as expansive as it did before he moved. “So I guess I just…wanted to be honest?”

“You don’t have to be.”

“Yes, I do.” Finally Taako lifts his chin to look Magnus in the eyes. “Are you okay with me showing you this?”

He’s already being so stubborn. Magnus gets the distinct feeling the only thing stopping Taako from doing…whatever it is he wants to do is that Magnus hasn’t given the okay yet.

And if he’s being honest, Taako’s scaring him. But at the same time, Taako’s been antsy and weird for the past week or so, and he’d be so relieved to have things go back to normal. “Yeah.”

A wave of magic passes over the room, transforming it into Taako’s bedroom to a crude imitation of a kitchen. After a moment, Magnus recognizes it as Taako’s kitchen from Sizzle It Up.

“There was this one person that really messed me up.” Taako continues. “In really stupid ways. So I just wanted my bases cover before I freaked out on you too.”

“And this?” Magnus gestures to the illusion magic surrounding them.

Taako laughs and shrugs. “Who am I if I can’t be over-the-top extra?” The smile stays on his face as he turns slowly, taking in every crude detail with love. Maybe there’s something in the crooked shapes and creases he sees that Magnus can’t. “This is where all the magic happened, baby.” Taako explains. His voice already sounds so distant. “All you had to do was bring down the divider and we were good to go.” He traces the dividing line with his foot, the one that spanned the living area from the kitchen where they recorded.

“Age regression, huh?”

Magnus spins to see a person, the same person he saw on Taako’s show, standing behind him.

“Yup.” Taako answers. He’s cast Disguise Self to make his hair shorter, his clothes like the ones he wore back then. “Listen, Sazed, I know it’s kind of out there. I wouldn’t ask you to—”

“Why not? If it helps you loosen up before a show, what’s the harm?” Sazed’s smile is kind, so warm it could melt ice. He gently places a hand on Taako’s shoulder. “Just tell me how I can help.”

Taako smiles back. Magnus can physically see him slipping into a younger headspace. Was this the first time anyone had ever said that to him? “Okay.”

Taako and Sazed sit down, and a small woosh of wind passes through. Suddenly Taako’s hair is about an inch longer, and they’re both wearing different clothes.

“’Zed, do you wanna see my toys?”

Sazed blinks. He glances around, like he’s looking for where Grown-Up Taako ran off to. “Uh, sure.”

Taako opens the satchel sitting beside him, pulling out a collection of Barbies. The one he takes out first is clothed in dark maroon robes, her face obscured by the hood. “This is Necromancer Barbie. She’s my favorite. She used to come with a Book of the Damned accessory but I lost that a while ago.”

Taako pulls out three more dolls, but after the first, their details get a little blurrier. The colors of their clothes remain distinctive, but the patterns and shapes get a little blurrier the less Taako remembers about them.

“You can be Follower of Marthammor Duin Barbie or Ken.”

“Um, okay.” Sazed takes the Ken doll and holds it awkwardly, like he’s never touched a doll in his life. He lowers his voice in the best Ken imitation. “Uh, hi, I’m Ken and I do things sometimes.”

Taako turns to Magnus, snapping him out of his stupor. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in the surroundings that he forgot he was even here. It was like watching a TV show. “He was never very good at this.”

Sazed chuckles good-naturedly. “Hey! I’m trying my best!”

Taako offers a weak smile. “I know.”

Sazed gets up and moves, like he’s a recording being fast-forwarded through. He pulls to a stop in front of Taako, Evocation Wizard Barbie in hand.

“Are you sure we should be leaving these out in the open?” Sazed asks.

Taako blinks. “Yeah. Why not?”

“It’s just that…the show starts in an hour and someone could see, you know?”

“What does it matter? I’m still the best chef ever.”

“Yeah, but…the branding. Listen, I’m not gonna take them away or anything, alright? I’ll just put them right over here in this box.” He walks over to a box, one that Magnus is certain wasn’t there a few moments ago, and drops them inside.

Taako clutches Necromancer Barbie a little tighter. “Why’s there a lock on it?”

“That way we won’t forget to put them away. Come on. They can come right back out after the show, okay?” Something in Sazed’s face shifts, and he grins nervously. “You _are_ going to be able to do the show, right?”

Taako sits up a little taller. “I’m a master of my headspace, baby.”

“Awesome.” Sazed holds out his hand, flexing his fingers impatiently.

It takes a moment, but Taako relents and hands over his doll.

Sazed drops it in with the others, locks the box, and stashes the key in one of his pockets.

“I should’ve learned lockpicking.” Taako mutters. His voice is so quiet that Magnus isn’t sure if he’s being spoken to for a second. “But I trusted him.”

Taako gets up and takes his wand from a nearby table.

“It wasn’t hard to get into.” He casts Knock, and the box flies open. “And it’s not like he got mad or anything.”

Magnus doesn’t like the sound of that. Everything he’s seen so far has been harmless on his own, but he still has so many questions left. It’s like he’s just watching, waiting for the other shoe to drop. “Why didn’t he…”

Taako lowers his chin. His hair is long enough to hang in his face, but too short to be braided, so it obscures his face. “He got busy.”

And so the scene starts again.

Sazed rushes this way and that, in a different outfit each time. Sometimes his arms are full with T-shirts, or fliers, or accounting books, but other times he just looks exhausted beyond all words. He passes with a new excuse each time.

“I’m busy, Taako. Why don’t you color or something?”

“I’ve gotta finish printing these shirts. Can you play by yourself?”

“In a minute. I need to finish the advertising for tomorrow’s show.”

“Can this wait until later? I lost the key.”

Slowly his responses morph, becoming excuses more than anything, all tinged with growing annoyance.

“Taako, this is my only day off. I need to rest.”

“Play by yourself. I’m exhausted.”

“Take a nap or something.”

“I got you another coloring book. Go nuts.”

Sazed passes again, but stops in the doorway. “Can you get off my back for, like, one second? Why do you even need to relax? All you do is cook for an hour! I do all the hard work around here! You’re lucky I even deal with you!” And with that, he storms off out of sight.

“Sometimes you just have to make your own fun.” Taako answers simply. But even as he says it, he tucks his knees up against his chest and sighs.

Magnus understands why Taako hates being alone so much. Part of him wants to go over and hug Taako, the other part knows this isn’t as bad as it gets.

With a sigh, Sazed returns. From the way the light in the room shifts, it looks to be a few hours later. “Hey, buddy,” he says. Guilt is written all over his face. Without another word, he approaches the box and unlocks it, presenting the Barbies to Taako as a sort of peace offering.

Taako takes them. “You don’t have to say sorry. It’s okay.”

Sazed’s face breaks into a relieved smile, and Taako soon imitates him. Does he realize that even now, he’s mirroring Sazed’s behavior? Now reassured, Sazed stands and leaves, taking Taako’s smile along with him.

Taako stands. Magnus gets the feeling that his in-between movements, putting away the Barbies, are more to dispel his nervous energy than anything.

“There was only one time I really wanted him to say sorry.” Sazed materializes in front of him, grabbing Taako by the throat and slamming the back of his head against the wall.

Taako keeps his face shockingly neutral, and the image blinks out of existence, leaving quicker than it came.

“But I don’t wanna talk about that.” Taako says. “Just wanted to make sure you knew.”

Magnus doesn’t even have words for that, his mind racing to put together the image that was placed in front of him. Did Sazed actually do that? As if Magnus didn’t want to kill him before…

Taako mentally counts something off on his fingers. “I think that covers almost everything. Sorry if it went a little too fast. I hope you still got the gist.”

“That’s all of it?”

“Almost. One more thing.”

“We need to go.” Sazed’s voice is urgent, shocked, as he runs in from the other room. He tugs at Taako’s arm, but Taako doesn’t move. “Taako! We need to go!”

Taako doesn’t take his eyes off that faraway point on the floor. “I did a bad thing.” Over his shoulder, Magnus can see bodies collapsed in heaps out the kitchen window. Some still have plates in their hands, and a large cooked chicken sits on the windowsill.

“Yeah, and we can’t stick around here. We have to go! Now!”

“Can I have my toys?”

“Are you serious?”

“I need something to help me calm down!” Taako’s eyes fill with tears, and his chest heaves. In this second, he’s completely lost in his past.

“You’re so useless!” Sazed runs to the front, disappearing from sight again. Magnus hears the whinny of two horses, and soon the wagon begins to rattle from the motion.

Taako sinks to the floor in front of his toy chest.

Magnus takes a breath to steady himself. He knows what happened with Taako’s show; it’s hard not to with how close the three of them have become. But never once has Taako ever mentioned his assistant’s name, let alone that he trusted the guy enough to regress in front of him.

“Isn’t it sad? I used up all my spell slots during the show. I couldn’t even cast Knock to get this damn thing open.” Taako shakes his head sadly. “I should’ve learned how to pick locks.”

Unable to take being a passive observer any longer, Magnus joins him on the floor. Maybe it ruins the illusion, but he gets the sense that Taako could use a little extra support about now. “How long were you back here?” he asks. He threads his fingers through Taako’s and squeezes tight.

“Two days.” Taako answers. “We rode two days, stopping as little as we could. I was able to get my toys after the first day, but it didn’t help any.” He stands, letting Magnus’s grip slip out of his and approaches the toy chest again.

The entire room shifts, turning into a tavern. The details are even fuzzier than those of the wagon, probably because Taako doesn’t remember this as well. Taako sticks close to Sazed, following him like a baby duck. He has one of his Barbies clutches in his left hand, holding it like it’s the only thing keeping him from breaking apart.

Sazed takes Taako by the shoulders, holding him at arm’s length to put any physical distance between them. “I’ll be right back.” Sazed says. He rushes to the door, past Magnus, and disappears from sight.

“That was the last time I ever saw him.” The disguise slides off of Taako, as if washed away in an invisible rainfall, and the imaginary room is soon to follow.

It’s a little disorienting to see everything as it should be, with Taako’s room just as messy as it always is. Little and big items sit cluttered together. No chests, no locks.

“So there you go.” Taako says. “All my damage in a brief, easy-to-follow one-man show. Refreshments are now being served in the main lobby. Drive home safe.” He gives a little flourish and a bow.

Magnus doesn’t give himself time to think. He just rushes forward and scoops Taako up into the biggest bear hug he can manage.

“ _Stooooop_!” Taako whines, squirming in his hold. “You’re crushing me, stupid!”

“I’m hugging you!”

“You’re _crushing me!_ ”

“I’m crushing you with love!”

While Taako heaves a big sigh, making the biggest possible show of being inconvenienced, he wraps his arms around Magnus’s neck and squeezes back.

“Thanks,” he says, his voice barely above a whisper.

Magnus doesn’t know which part he’s referring to, but feels it’s not the time to ask. “Anytime.”

He’s not sure how long he stands there holding Taako. Long enough for his back to start aching in protest. When his knees join in, he starts swaying.

“So…does Merle know?”

“Yeah.” Taako’s voice is muffled. His face is buried in Magnus’s shoulder, and he’s either too tired or too embarrassed to sit up.

“Does Lucretia know?”

“Yeah.”

Magnus starts a little at that. He can understand Merle, at least a little, but Taako barely trusts Lucretia. Why would he tell her first? He asks a question he’s sure that the answer is no, if only to raise his self-confidence. “Does Avi know?”

“Yeah.”

Magnus pulls back to look Taako in the eye. “Dude, the fuck?”

“I didn’t tell them. They just found out. You’re the only one I told.” Taako averts his eyes. “Jealousy isn’t a good look on you, Maggie.”

Magnus sighs. Gods, he really does act like an ass sometimes, doesn’t he? “I know. You’re right. Thank you. For telling me. You didn’t have to do that.”

“Yeah, I did. There’s stuff that still sticks with me. No matter how much I try to pretend they don’t. I slapped the shit out of Johann the other day.”

“ _What?_ Why?”

“It wasn’t his fault. He just said something Sazed used to say.”

“‘You’re lucky I even deal with you’?”

Taako nods. “Bingo.” A single tear rolls down his cheek. “Give the man a prize. I didn’t want something like that to happen again. So I kind of just…” He gestures vaguely with his hands. “…Sped through the highlights.”

There’s a moment, a pause that Magnus isn’t sure how to fill. Taako stares off into the distance, the same way he did when he was getting lost in his memories.

“I’m not overreacting, right? It was…it was bad, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Good.” Taako’s fingers start twisting the back of Magnus’s shirt. “Because sometimes I get this voice in the back of my head that says I’m just being whiny.”

“Just because he didn’t hit you doesn’t make what he did okay. You needed him and he was never there.”

“Yeah…” Taako trails off, using that voice where he doesn’t quite believe what the other person is saying.

Magnus frowns. “Yes! Sazed didn’t have to say yes, but he did, and then he couldn’t do the bare minimum.”

“He did a lot…” Taako protests.

“Well, he didn’t play with you, it didn’t look like he gave you any attention. I’m sure he didn’t do anything for you. Did he ever cook for you when you were small?”

Taako shakes his head. “But I did all the cooking anyway, so it made sense.”

“What about bedtime?”

“My night terrors freaked him out.”

“Cuddles?”

“He just didn’t like personal touch.” Taako’s protests are getting weaker and weaker, like even he’s losing faith in them.

“So there’s all that, he _hurt_ you, and he _abandoned_ you.”

“Yeah, but it was a space where I could be small if I wanted to, and it was safe.”

“You could get that anywhere with a locking door.” Magnus sighs, trying to keep himself from getting too worked up on Taako’s behalf. “Taako, listen to me, because I’m only going to say this once. He was a butthead.”

Despite himself, Taako giggles. “He was a butthead,” he admits, which is enough progress to make Magnus beam.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very short because this is a last-minute bonus chapter and I can't do words good any more :(
> 
> Content warning for Garfield's shady business practices

“I’m coming for _your_ sake.” Taako says, for what’s probably the dozenth time in their short walk from their dorm to the Fantasy Costco.

Magnus doesn’t bother calling him out. Even weeks after he spilled his guts about his past, he was still acting rather clingy and vulnerable. He hadn’t fully slipped once, but there were a handful of close calls. At the very least, he was almost always around someone. And since Merle had left the Bureau for personal matters he wouldn’t elaborate on, that meant Magnus had a little company for his shopping trip.

“Hello, there, boys!” Garfield greets over the Fantasy Costco jingle. He materializes the second they enter and floats over to Magnus. “I believe you have my payment, yes?”

Magnus nods and takes the jar from its leather pouch. With the way he’s been carrying it, it couldn’t be more obvious that he’s hiding something, but he’d rather look suspicious than outright insane.

He holds out the jar, wrinkling his nose at the now overwhelming smell of urine. Taako tries to smother a gag in his hand, but doesn’t do a very good job. Magnus doesn’t have the courage to look at him right now.

“You know how weird this is, right?” Magnus asks. “Like even with the blood and the hair, this is weird.”

“Mm, weird for you, perhaps! But you have no idea what a warlock’s rituals need!”

“Why would you need someone’s piss? Why would you need someone’s _three-week-old_ piss?”

“Don’t worry about it!” Garfield hands over an item wrapped in a plastic bag. “Here you are! A pleasure doing business with you!”

“The feeling isn’t mutual!” Magnus calls on his way out. The doors slide shut behind them, muffling the jingle before it can come back full force. “Why can’t that guy just take gold? That special-order policy is so _weird!_ ”

Taako checks his nails, waffling between trying to put on a front of disinterest and asking a million questions. “What’s even worth a jar of your piss anyway?”

“Well, I’m so glad you asked!” Magnus thrusts out his hands, holding the bag out to Taako. “Because it’s for you!”

Taako frowns, immediately suspicious. “For me?” He looks down at the bag with renewed interest, but he takes it carefully, like it might be a prank.

Magnus nods. “Open it!” he urges.

Taako peels back the plastic bag, freezing at the sight of a Barbie doll smiling up at him. The bag falls to his feet with a loud rustle.

“Turns out these are kind of rare nowadays.” Magnus explains. “Apparently Necromancer Barbie was discontinued after that necromancer cult did all those sacrificial killings a few years back. I was almost worried that Garfield wouldn’t be able to find her, but I think he took it as a challenge.” Magnus chuckles, if only to fill the silence.

Taako hasn’t taken his eyes off the package since he unwrapped it. He just keeps staring, eyes wide like the doll tried to kill him. And…is he starting to shake?

All Magnus’s resolve comes crumbling down. Maybe this wasn’t the great idea he thought it was five minutes ago. “Hey, it’s okay if you don’t like it. I’m sorry, this was a stupid idea. Let me just—”

“ _No!_ ” Taako yanks the doll out of Magnus’s reach, holding it tight against his chest. “No, please! I…” He glances up, accidently catching Magnus’s eye. His face heats up, like he’s remembering where he is, that it’s Maggie he’s talking to and not Sazed.

He doesn’t say anything, but he also doesn’t finish his thought. A notch of tension eases out of his shoulders.

Magnus decides to push his luck. He’s working off the logic that Taako is defensive of the doll because he wants to keep it, so if that isn’t the case, he’s going to look like an idiot, but he’s well used to that. “Here. Let me help get her out of the packaging, yeah?”

Magnus slowly extends his hand, so as not to startle Taako. It’s a massive testament to Taako’s trust that he doesn’t protest, letting Magnus gently take the packaging from his hands and cut away the tape with his pocketknife.

“There.”

Taako turns the packaging over in his hands. His fingers tremble as he fumbles with the plastic packaging, but eventually he takes the doll in his hands. She still has the ties holding her accessories in place.

“She even has a Book of the Damned.” Taako murmurs. His eyes are locked on the doll, like it might start moving on its own. Like he’s seeing a ghost.

“I know it’s not the one you had, but at least it could kind of be a replacement? I don’t know. It seemed like you were really attached to those dolls, and I guess I just wanted to say…thank you? For trusting me. With all of that. I know it was hard.” Well aware that he’s babbling at this point, Magnus snaps his mouth shut.

Taako finally looks up. There are tears running down his face, dripping off his chin in messy globs, and his hands haven’t stopped shaking since he unwrapped the toy. His cheeks are painted dusty pink.

“Maggie, can we go play now?” He’s barely whispering, his voice is so quiet.

The tension drains out of Magnus as he finds his smile again. “Absolutely. Any time you want.”

Taako offers a wet giggle. “You’re going to regret that.”

“I don’t think I will.” Magnus offers his hand, which Taako gladly takes.

**Author's Note:**

> mcschnuggles.tumblr.com


End file.
